It was 8 years ago today I woke up on a Sunday morning to an empty house. My wife of 18 years had left, my kids were staying with relatives. I woke up in excruciating anguish and despair, my fists clenched, my body shaking. I walked around my house like this for about half an hour groaning in despair, it felt like I was outside my body just watching it unfold. Soon I found myself with my gun in hand, flipping the safety off and putting the gun to my temple. With no hesitation I started pulling the trigger, the internal spring pulling the hammer back. This was it. The end. I didn’t take thought of anything except I wanted the pain to stop. But as the hammer drew back I heard a voice say, “Your children will find your body.” To this day I don’t know if that was an audible or a really loud internal voice. But it shocked me out of my stupor and I realized what I was doing. I dropped the gun on the bed and gathered back into my right mind. I would never in million years do that to my children. Leave them that way. I called my brother-in-law and told him what happened. We gathered all my guns and he took them away for safe keeping.
God saved my life that day and saved my children from horror and harm. I think about that fork in the road moment. What would have happened to them if I had gone through with it. How it would have affected their lives and the dysfunction it would have burdened them with for years to come.
A few weeks later, still smothered in hopelessness and anguish I lay face down on my bedroom floor in the middle of the night, my soul empty, crushed, hopeless. I had nothing left in me. It was the lowest, darkest, most empty moment of my life. I had nothing left inside. From the deepest part of me a cry rose up and left my lips. Just one word. A plea to God. “Mercy.” As soon as that word left my lips the atmosphere in my room changed. I felt a presence enter. A presence of life, light, and love like I had never felt or experienced in my life. Though I didn’t see Him with my eyes He was very, very real. I knew instantly it was Jesus. He walked over and knelt beside me and put His arm around my back (I physically felt this). All that pain and hopelessness lifted immediately. For the first time I saw light at the end of that dark, dark tunnel. I knew in the end everything was going to be alright.
I’ve experienced God’s presence before in my life and in many marvelous and life changing ways but I had never and have never experienced it the way I did that night. Jesus is pure love. Pure acceptance. He is good. More good than we know or imagine. Words don’t do justice in describing His love. There was not a trace of condemnation. No accusation. Only pure acceptance, love, and light. Knowing my own sin and failings I understood how Isaiah felt when he stood before the Lord at the throne and said, “Woe is me, for I am ruined! Because I am a man of unclean lips and I live among a people of unclean lips.” And I knew in the moment that the pure love and acceptance I felt toward me was how He felt about every man, woman, and child who is or ever was or ever will be. He. Loves. You.
The next months were hard, to be sure, but I was able to draw on this experience. I knew He was with me. And for quite a while I could walk into my room and just step over into His presence and visit with Him. He promised me many wonderful things. And many of those things have come to pass. Some I still wait for. In the weeks, months, and years to follow He did many marvelous and miraculous things for me. So today I look back and reflect on God’s goodness and faithfulness. Whether I deserve it or not, He’s kept me and cared for me and provided for me. His lovingkindness is real and it truly endures forever.
If you’re going through a hard time…no matter what it is…turn to Jesus. He’s real. He loves you. He will save and help you. Trust in Him.
(originally published 12/2/20)